Be Your Own Valentine or It Bears Repeating

I posted this on Valentine’s Day last year and think it bears repeating. Especially on the day we focus on our love for others! Happy Valentine’s Day. Remember to love yourself.

______________________________________________________

In honor of Valentine’s Day, do me a favor. Right now. Close your eyes (okay, you can’t read with your eyes closed, so read down to the line and then close your eyes). Close your eyes and think about someone you love deeply. Maybe it’s your child, your spouse, a sibling, a good friend. Just choose someone whom you love with all your heart. Think about them for a couple of minutes. Everything you love about them. What about them makes you happy, makes you smile?

After you’ve spent some time thinking about your loved one, open your eyes.

______________________________________________________

Now imagine feeling that way about yourself.

This is one of my favorite exercises to do with clients. Undoubtedly, the client smiles, lights up when thinking about their loved one. That smile quickly fades when they are asked to feel that way toward themselves. The thought of feeling that much love toward themselves is usually met with doubt or even shock.

For many of us, loving ourselves deeply is a pretty challenging concept. But it’s absolutely key to getting a handle on our health and wellness. It’s highly unlikely that you can reach and maintain your wellness goals until you learn to love yourself.

We spend a lot of time  fighting our bodies–denying it nourishment, physically punishing it, and doing anything and everything we can to change it. You cannot “beat” your body. Even if you win, you lose.

Instead, we need to find a way to accept and nourish our bodies. We need to focus on what we like, or at least can tolerate, about our bodies until we develop deeper love and appreciation. It’s incredibly difficult for those of us who have spent our lives hating our bodies, but I know that it’s possible. It’s only when you have accepted your body that things will get easier.

Back to your loved one. As the client looks at me in disbelief, I ask them whether their loved one is perfect. Of course the answer is no. Do you love them less because they are imperfect? No. (In fact, it’s often our loved one’s imperfections that we find most endearing.) The people you love are not perfect. In fact, sometimes they are far from perfect. But you love them anyway. Your relationship with them isn’t about fighting and punishment, it’s about love and support.

So cut yourself the same slack you give everyone else in your life. Try the same approach with your body. It will love you back.

Walk to Cure Diabetes or I need your happy, shiny face (and your legs too)

It’s that time again. The Walk to Cure Juvenile Diabetes is right around the corner. Once again, my family will be there. While my sister Amy focuses on raising money (along with taking care of herself, her two kids and her two fosters), my goal is to get bodies to the walk to support my sister, my nephew and my niece–all of whom have Type I Diabetes.

Please join us. The walk will take place Saturday, February 25 at the Mall of America at 8am.

My sister was diagnosed with Diabetes when she was 9. She has lived with the disease for almost 30 years. That’s the good news. The bad news is that she has lost all of her vision in one eye, she has diminished kidney function, neuropathy, and a lot of medical debt.

Diabetes is treatable, but it’s a lot of work, leads to lots of other health issues and is very expensive. Even with good medical insurance (my sister is a registered nurse at Park Nicollet), she’s left with a lot of copays and uncovered prescriptions.

Times that by 3.

My nephew Winston was also diagnosed with the disease when he was 9. He’s now 20 (can you believe I have a 20-year-old nephew?????). So far, he hasn’t suffered any permanent complications, but we almost lost him in 2005 and again last fall when his blood sugar levels got out of control. In both cases he ended up in ICU and in one had to be vented.

My niece Hope was diagnosed when she was 5. So far Hope has been lucky and has suffered no other health issues or real scares. No doubt that’s because of advances made in the understanding and treatment of diabetes. Advances made possible in part by money raised from the walk.

Each year a group of family and friends gather at the Mall of America to participate in the walk. (It’s actually more of a meander around the mall as there are too many people to walk fast.) In 2010, the Minneapolis event raised more than $2 Million (I wasn’t able to find a number for 2011).

To be honest, I don’t really care how much the event raises. I’m a bit of a cynic when it comes to pharmaceutical companies and I am doubtful that they really want to find a cure for diabetes. Why would they when there is so much money to be made from treating it?

Setting my personal doubts aside, there have been huge improvements in the treatment of diabetes since Amy was diagnosed in the early 1980s. Those improvements have definitely made managing the disease easier and reduced complications for everyone living with Diabetes. Better syringes, better insulin, and a lot more knowledge about successfully controlling blood sugar levels. So the money raised is for a great cause even if there isn’t a cure in sight.

If you would like to donate to Hope Win Walkers (our family team), you can do so at the event or by visiting the team page.

More important to me is the opportunity the walk provides to show support for my sister and her kids. Diabetes is no walk in the park (or the mall, as the case may be). And Amy, Winston and Hope manage their diseases with few complaints and never a “why me?” On this day, we join together to let them know that we care. We care about them, we care about their health and we care about doing what we can to make their lives easier.

We typically have about 20 people come out. This year I’d like to at least double that number. Will you help?

Again this year our meeting place is on the second floor, east side of the mall in front of Kids/Ladies Foot Locker (E272) at 7:45am. The mall starts to get busy and parking starts to fill up by about 7:30. Our team color is blue. (If we all wear the same color, it helps us stick together a bit.)

Thank you so much for your support. I hope to see you at the Mall of America on February 25.

Be well!

My 2012 Wellness Project: Is Sugar the Devil or Epic Fail

Okay, epic fail may be an overstatement. But the fact is, I didn’t do it. Maybe even couldn’t do it? I didn’t accomplish what I set out to do which was to completely give up refined sugar for the month of January.

My first (yep, there were two) slip up came one evening while we were out to dinner. Grace ordered dessert and without even thinking about it I took a bite. I immediately realized that I had slipped. So, that one was a legitimate accident.

The second slip up wasn’t really a slip. It was more of a dive right in. Grace wanted to bake cookies, so I bought some premade cookie dough. (Thinking I would be less tempted by that than if we made the dough from scratch–yeah, right.) It sat in the fridge for several days before it started calling my name. But once it started calling, I wasn’t able to resist. I ended up having several spoonfuls.

The timing of my dive into the cookie dough was interesting to me. I got my period the next morning. My cycle is pretty regular, so I knew “my friend” (as my Grandma used to call it) was on its way but wasn’t sure how close I was. I have long felt that my cravings for sweets and carbs increase around that time of the month and this little experiment seemed to support that. My sister, however,  believes that our cravings don’t really increase around this time. Instead, she thinks we just choose to allow ourselves more indulgences. I haven’t a clue whether it was my body or mind that brought me to the cookie dough, but at the end of the day it doesn’t much matter.

So what did I learn? As I suspected, I feel better when I don’t eat sugar. And, as I already knew, it’s pretty easy for me to stay away from sweets when 1) I don’t start eating them, and 2) I don’t keep them in the house. Clearly buying the cookie dough in the first place was a mistake.

I also learned that I don’t really want to be 100% sugar free. Sweets are a big part of our social world. While I often feel they play too large of a role in our social celebrations, the fact is I felt left out when I didn’t have a piece of homemade tres leche cake at the birthday party I attended in January. In hindsight, since I ended up not 100% sugar-free anyway, I wish I had had a piece of cake. A much better choice than premade cookie dough.

So moving forward, I will continue to try to reserve eating refined sugar and sweets for special occasions. And try to be 100% sugar-free most of the time, but not all the time.

Be well!

Parenting: I hope I’m not screwing this up Post 2

Fifth grade has been hard for Grace. That makes it hard for me.

She feels that all the kids are mean–mostly to her, but also just in general. There seems to be a lot of miscommunications, misunderstandings, hypersensitivity, and even vicious rumors. (Seriously, some pretty sick stuff goes around and the fact that most of it is completely ridiculous doesn’t  make it any less hurtful to the victim(s)).

So last week another Mom and I took a stab at making things better for our girls. The four of us (two moms, two girls) met for coffee. Grace and this classmate have had some minor issues this year. Neither is the biggest pain in the other’s side, but both have had some hurt feelings. Both are really good kids and I adore this classmate’s mom, so I reached out to her a couple weeks ago and suggested we all hang out–something more mature than a playdate. The moms’ goal was less about solving issues than it was for the girls to understand they aren’t the only one struggling and provide an opportunity for the girls to talk about stuff if they wanted–or not if they didn’t.

At first the girls were skeptical. (I think they were both afraid there could be a lecture involved.) But after a couple of weeks mulling it over, both girls agreed. And, by the end of our hour-and-fifteen-minute coffee the girls were laughing, said they wanted to do it again, and both seemed to feel really good about the whole thing.

The moms shared some of our challenges in elementary and middle school and suggested the girls agree to “stick up” for one another or, at the very least, agree not to participate in anything that could hurt the other’s feelings. The girls liked the idea.

The girls shared incidents that have been particularly hurtful. Grace relayed how a boy in her class chanted, “I say Grace! You say sucks!” and the whole class joined in. Grace’s classmate corrected Grace. She said only two kids joined in. So we talked about perspective. About how two kids chanting you suck can feel like it’s the whole class or even the whole world.

And it was good. I felt like on this day I might have gotten this parenting thing right. Maybe I’m not screwing this up after all.

Be well!

My 2012 Wellness Project or is Sugar the Devil?

Taking a cue from Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project, in which she spent a year testing happiness principles, tips, theories, and scientific studies, I am spending 2012 testing wellness principles and practices. Instead of making new year’s resolutions, I will adopt one major lifestyle change or practice each month to determine how it makes me feel.

Some of them I already do, some I have never tried. I generally eat pretty healthy–mostly organic, heavy on fruits and vegetables and very little processed food, I exercise regularly, practice meditation and yoga, and I usually get 8 hours of sleep. Although I do all of these things, I don’t do them everyday. I’m curious to see how I would feel if I did them everyday focusing on one at a time.

Although I don’t think I’m interested in going completely vegetarian, vegan or raw, I am curious to see how I would feel if I did follow each of those plans exclusively for a month.

I decided to give up refined sugar for the month of January. I have read so much about how bad sugar is for us and perhaps even toxic. Typically I don’t eat a lot of sugar and it’s not hard for me to stay away from it. As long as I don’t start eating it, that is. Around Halloween, it’s easy for me to resist completely, but if I have just one piece all bets are off. I have literally eaten candy to the point of feeling sick.

I ate WAY more sugar than normal during the holidays this year and I felt like I could use the sugar detox. I have been completely sugar free for a week now and I can already feel a difference. I feel more energy and less bloat, but what I’ve most noticed is that I seem to have less appetite. Not only am I not craving sugar, I am just overall less hungry.

A search of the internet revealed that there is a lot of speculation and evidence to suggest that indeed sugar increases appetite. A study of rabbits found that when bunnies received a high dose of glucose it stimulated appetite (low doses actually suppressed appetite).

Still three weeks to go, but so far I’m liking this one!

Be well!

The wisdom to know the difference or What a difference a year makes

God grant the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer has been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember. My Grandma had it hanging in her kitchen (it’s actually still there even though she’s passed) and my Dad often referenced it. It seems especially relevant as I reflect on 2011.

When the real estate market crashed, I focused hard on finding the serenity to accept things I couldn’t change. I couldn’t control the market, so I adjusted my business and downsized my life. Heck, I even became a yoga instructor–how’s that for serenity?

And you know what? I don’t miss any of the stuff I used to take for granted. In fact, I am far happier. I am more financially and ecologically responsible, and my life is simpler. I’m much more in touch with who I am and what is important to me, and I spend accordingly.

While all of these changes were positive, I’d lost the forest as I focused on the trees. The real estate market wasn’t improving and my working life still felt like a continual challenge. I was loving teaching yoga and coaching people to better health, but now working a full-time job plus two part-time jobs to support us. When I found myself questioning whether I should give up our home this summer, I knew something had to give. Something wasn’t right.

The main reasons I got into real estate were the flexible schedule (which allowed me to keep Grace out of full-time daycare) and the exceptional earning potential. Mid-2011, I realized the main reasons I got into the business were no longer necessary to me or no longer existed.

My needs have changed. Grace is in school full-time and more independent when she’s not. I no longer need nearly as much flexibility weekdays, but it sure would be nice to have evenings and weekends off. Although it was an amazing job for several years, real estate simply doesn’t fit as well as it once did.

I very much believe that when life becomes a struggle, it is an indication that I am not on the right path. It took some time and reflection for me to determine that rather than continue to make minor adjustments within my real estate career, I needed to completely change my career path.

The truth is that I have never felt that real estate was my “true calling.” I’ve had amazing clients, worked with incredibly talented people and learned a ton, but it has never felt like a life-long career path.

Moving into 2012, I am looking forward to starting the next chapter of my professional life back in nonprofit development–the field I left for real estate. (I am also looking forward to having most of my evenings and weekends back.)

Although it wasn’t quick or easy (are lessons ever?), 2011 taught me to dare to think bigger and outside the box. As I reflect on 2011, I am incredibly grateful for having gained the wisdom to know the difference between what I must accept and what I can change.

Miracle on W 49th St or Occupy Lyndale Ave

Note: I have waffled on whether to share this or not. It’s certainly not something I feel proud of, however I don’t believe I should feel shame. Ultimately, I decided to share. In part because I think our story puts a face on what is happening with banks and housing, and in part because I’d like to offer hope to others who are struggling.

Grace and I experienced our own Christmas miracle this year. We will be able to stay in our house. Our home. After a year of that not being clear.

After several years of contemplating, I decided to request a mortgage modification. (A decision I now regret.) I purchased my home at the peak of the market (early 2005). Its value has decreased significantly. (I am underwater on my mortgage, but not significantly. Most of what has evaporated came from the $85,000 I put down on the house.) Meanwhile my income from selling real estate decreased even more significantly. On paper, I am exactly the person for whom the modification programs are intended.

In January, I requested a modification application from Chase and told them I wouldn’t be able to make my January payment (I have heard conflicting advice on this, but my experience with real estate clients suggests banks rarely consider modification or short sales requests if the borrower seems to be having no trouble paying the mortgage). I was told I would receive the modification application within 10 days.

It never came. Despite my repeated calls.

Instead, in early April, I was served with foreclosure documents. A Sheriff’s sale was scheduled for June (at which point I would have been less than six months behind on my mortgage.) I have heard of folks living  for years without making payments. That certainly wasn’t my experience.

I gave up on the modification and immediately called Chase to set up a repayment plan. I made a large down payment to cover late charges and attorney’s fees, and was then scheduled to make double payments through October to “catch up” the loan.

All was well (note I didn’t say easy–double payments were definitely a stretch) until July. In July, Chase returned my July payment with a note stating they were unable to accept further payments on my account. No further explanation.

I learned when I called Chase that they had cancelled the repayment plan. Despite many calls and promises that I would receive a call from a supervisor (I never did), Chase never provided a reason for the cancellation. Instead they scheduled another Sheriff’s sale for September.

Incredibly frustrated and feeling utterly hopeless, I contacted the Minnesota Attorney General’s Office (they have been amazingly helpful, by the way). They agreed to take the case.

Despite letters from the Minnesota Attorney General, Chase still provided no reason for the cancelled repayment plan. What Chase did provide was the modification application they had promised in January–only seven months later than they promised. I completed it and sent in all of the financial documentation requested. After waiting several more months, Chase declined the modification and scheduled yet another Sheriff’s sale for December 30.

At this point I decided it might make sense to give up the house–it certainly would be easier than to continue trying to work with Chase. My real estate income continued to decline and, while the amount of income was still livable, the unpredictability was incredibly stressful. Renting somewhere less expensive could relieve a lot of stress.

I sat Grace down and told her we would likely have to move. I assured her we would stay in the neighborhood and look for a single family home or duplex to rent. I told her everything would be okay. Our house was just a house. Our family didn’t depend on where we live and I would find a place that would allow us to bring our pets. Despite my best attempts, she wasn’t really buying it–nor was I.

I really didn’t want to give up our house. Yes, the house is now worth less than I owe, but it is our home. We are comfortable here, our pets are comfortable here, and moving isn’t going to bring back the lost equity. (And, while I could rent for less than my house payment I couldn’t rent for a lot less.) During  all of this–in large because of all of this–I had also decided to pursue full-time employment. The jobs for which I was being considered would comfortably allow me to afford the house.

In a last ditch effort, I contacted US Congressman Keith Ellison’s office in November. They agreed to work with the Attorney General’s Office on the case. Finally, after months of being asked by me and the Attorney General’s Office, Chase provided a reason for canceling the repayment plan. According to Chase, I had made the initial down payment late. This wasn’t true and I was easily able to prove it by sending them a copy of the cancelled check. Chase had stamped the front of the “late” payment check  ”received” two days before it was due.

With this information (and lots of follow up from Congressman Ellison’s and the Attorney General’s offices), Chase cancelled the December Sheriff’s sale. It took another full month for Chase to come up with a solution.

On Friday, the day before Christmas Eve, I received documents from Chase. They have put me on a trial payment plan. As long as I make my regular payments on-time for three months, they will reinstate the loan and add what is owed for much of 2011 to the principal of the loan. (I am hoping they will waive all late charges and attorney’s fees since July, but that might be too much to ask for.)

For us, after a year of unknown and no answers, this is a Christmas miracle. We can again consider our house our home.

I understand the Occupy Wall Street movement’s frustrations. I understand first hand how incredibly difficult it can be to work with large banks. How hopeless it feels when you can’t get information despite numerous requests. And, I have witnessed what seems to be the banks’ interpretation of “too big to fail.” Chase seems to believe that means they are to big to be held accountable–to individual customers and even to government agencies.

I was never looking for a bailout. I was simply looking for a way to make it easier for us to stay in our home–something that I believe benefits not only us, but also Chase, our neighbors, the housing market and even the greater economy.

Merry Christmas! This one is especially sweet for Grace and me.

My Generosity Project Post 2

On October 1, I embarked on my own generosity project. Through the month of October, I will give money to anyone who asks. Not necessarily a lot of money, but something.

Tuesdays are a busy day for Grace and me. She skates in the evening and I like to take a Circuit class at The Firm. We don’t have much time between school/work and getting out the door. Yesterday afternoon/evening was especially jammed because I got home later than usual. I got Grace to skating and rushed off to make it to my class.

And there he was. A guy standing at an intersection with a sign asking for money. I thought about just passing by–I was rushed after all–but remembered my pledge. I grabbed my purse and gave him all of the cash I had which was only $2, half of which was in change. I was actually a little embarrassed, and apologized for the change.

I made it to my class in time, but realized I had forgotten my yoga mat and I also didn’t have a towel, so was going to need to rent one. And, I had just given all of my cash away. Uggh, I hate to use my debit card for such a small purchase, but that’s what I would do.

I ran out of class and asked Doug–one of my very favorite fitness inspirations–for a towel and told him I’d settle up after class.

Guess what he said. Just guess.

You guessed it! He said, “How about the towel is on me today?” Seriously, I can get it after class, I said. “Nope,” he said,  ”today it’s on the house.”

How about that? I very much believe in the theory that the more you give the more you receive. But I certainly didn’t expect to see it happen so literally.

Be well!

We’ve gone microwave free!

I am old enough to remember life before microwave ovens. I am sure Grace considers that time the “olden days.”

I still remember the day my Dad brought our first microwave into the house. It was a 10-year anniversary present for my mom–the last anniversary they were together. (Mmmmm…related?)

The thing weighed about  100 pounds and took up most of the counter space in the kitchen. Despite my Mom’s protests–she said she didn’t need or want a microwave (or the husband, for that matter)–she got the monstrosity in the divorce and we used it until I moved away from home.

Although I’ve had a microwave for most of my life, I’ve never been a huge proponent. Microwave meals (you know, the ones in the little black plastic containers covered with plastic) hardly resemble real food and I don’t like how food cooks unevenly and loses it’s warmth quickly when cooked in the microwave.

So two weeks ago when our microwave stopped working, Grace and I decided not to replace it. Our decision is based in part on me wanting to simplify, in part on me hesitating to spend money unnecessarily, and in part on nagging health concerns associated with microwave cooking and radiation. (Convenience doesn’t seem a very good reason to increase our exposure to radiation even if the levels have been deemed safe by the powers that be.)

We’ve agreed that this is an experiment and if we find we really miss the thing we’ll buy another.

So far so good. Instead of microwaving, we use our toaster oven and stove top to warm up leftovers. We’ve converted the space where the microwave used to sit into a great place for cookbooks and the oils and spices we use most frequently, and I am loving the extra space. Welcome back to the dark ages!

Be well!

Running my own Race

I ran the TC-10 yesterday–the 10-mile race associated with the Twin Cities Marathon. It was my first long race since I broke my ankle in 2010 and it couldn’t have been a more beautiful day. I’ve been running  pretty consistently this summer and doing two longer runs each week, so I was well prepared and I felt great throughout the run.

My biggest challenge in races is and has always been finding and maintaining my own pace. It’s easy to pick up the paces of the runners around you and end up running too fast (and thus not finishing well or finishing at all) or too slow (and not do my best).

Running my own race is much easier for me now than it was in the past, but it’s still a challenge. In part it’s easier because most long races now have runners line up at the start according to their expected pace. But the bigger reason it’s easier for me is I know myself better than I used to, I am better able to maintain my focus on my own running goals and abilities, and I am less influenced by the pace of others.

Just like in my life.

As I ran yesterday, I thought about how many of my biggest wrong turns and disappointments in life have come from runnining someone else’s race–trying to keep up with others, trying to beat others, or slowing myself down to allow someone to keep up with me.

I am grateful that along with age (it’s my birthday today, so I’m feeling a bit reflective), has come a greater sense of myself and what matters to me–as opposed to what’s important to others, what “should” be important to me, or what others expect of me.

Today, I am 100% committed to and comfortable with running my own race–on the course and in life.

Be well!